Another Sad Pie

When you think of Pie, what's the first thing that comes to mind?

I would imagine for the average person it would be stuff like: Boston Creme, Key Lime, Lemon Meringue or Custard. Maybe a great big Apple Pie a la Mode. Or even Pizza Pie or Chicken Pot Pie if you're feeling hungry. Am I right?

But if you hear the word "Pie", and instantly think: Salmon! Canned Peas! Button Mushrooms!

Well then, you might be a Retro Weight Watcher...

You might think the "Salmon Pie" will be filled with delicious fresh Salmon. But alas! The Salmon Pie has a CRUST made of Salmon. Canned Salmon. Mixed with bread crumbs and canned mushroom liquid.

And the filling is made from a can of peas and a can of mushrooms.

Oh, the humanity!

But the entire Pie is one serving! Come on. When does that ever happen?

What are we waiting for? Grab a fork and dig in!

Life of Pie

As I mentioned in my last post, there will be a HUGE Retro-Blogging Challenge at the end of June called "Pieathalon". This involves a bunch of Retro Food Bloggers each choosing a Vintage Pie Recipe which will then be randomly assigned to another blogger, and each blogger must then bake it and write a post about his/her assigned pie recipe.

Initially, I was really excited about this challenge.

Then I got my assignment, and realized: I have no clue how to bake a real pie.

No clue.

You see, I am a Retro Weight Watchers gal - and here is an example of the type of pies we make on the Retro Weight Watchers plan:

They don't have a crust. They don't have fillings or toppings. They really don't resemble a pie at all.

But they typically involve my two favorite ingredients in the world:

And they often contain instructions like:

"Top with dry milk sprinkled evenly", or

"Soften gelatin with beverage in pie pan", or

"Bake for 30 minutes. Pie will be browned but runny."

Seriously. What in the actual Hell?

Pie of Despair

So you will make this brown, runny pie. You will slice it up. It will be sad and very upsetting. You will tell yourself, "It's not that bad I guess". You will eat a few bites, and life will seem a little bit better.

You will then realize when you hold it up, it kind of resembles plastic vomit.

Be Honest. Would You EVER Eat This?

You will throw the rest of it in the trash, and just eat an apple.

This is how we do pie in the Retro Weight Watchers world.

I have no idea how to make a real pie. I don't even know where to begin. But something tells me it is going to be an emotional experience for us all.

Oh, and a special note to the blogger who was assigned my Retro WW "Pie" submission: I am so very sorry.

PIE MONTH

"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back IN!"  - The Godfather Part III

I haven't posted anything on this blog since March. (Has anyone even noticed?) At the time, I kinda made a half-assed "grand-finale" post and then disappeared into obscurity for a while. To be honest, I basically just lost my blogging mojo.

But a few weeks ago, my friend Yinzerella sent out an email to my little circle of retro blogging pals (AKA The Jello Mafia) asking if anyone wanted to participate in a NEW Retro Blogging Challenge. This would be similar to the Knoxapocalypse or the Church Lady Cooking Challenge or the Vincent Price Cookalong. But this one would have a new theme: PIES. And it would be called PIEATHALON.

Hellz. Yeah.

So here I am. And not only will I be participating in the Cross-Blog Retro Pie-Baking Challenge on June 30th, but I have decided to devote the entire month of June to RETRO WW PIES!

So....Here's a quick walk down memory lane at some of the Retro WW Pies I have made over the years. (Click on the title above photo to visit the posts):

CARROT PIE

Totally Not Worth the Effort

FRANKFURTER PIE

A Day at the Ballpark

 ALMOST A PIE

Almost but Not Quite

 "FRANKENPIE"

Quite Possibly the Worst Pie EVER Made

 But there are oh-so-many-other Pies to be had. And I shall begin my Pie Extravaganza later this week.

In the meantime--please do tell, what is YOUR favorite pie?

In Which I Finish What I Started

Here's the deal.

It has taken me over a month to conjure up the desire to finish writing about the "Retro WW Rules".

And with only one lousy rule left, you'd think I could just suck it up, slap together some scary recipe and get it over with. But Oh. My. GAWD. I don't wanna. Like I really don't wanna. AT ALL.

RULE #9: MILK - You must use your daily allotment of milk. Women and men 16 ounces. Skim milk or buttermilk may be used interchangeably and at any time.

So I was going to make this thing called "Milk Ice" where you take a packet of Knox Gelatin and put it in the blender with some dehydrated milk, vanilla extract, water and fruit. No doubt it would have been awful. And smelly. And ridiculous. AND OHMIGOD I JUST CANNOT DO IT.

So instead, I am just gonna sit here and drink some reconstituted dehydrated non-fat milk powder straight from a Pyrex measuring container. As a punishment. Cause that's all I got left in me to give, folks.

After 4 years of blogging about Retro Weight Watchers food, I think I have finally hit the proverbial wall.

What does this mean?

I have no idea. But stay tuned, because this thing has to end somewhere. Somehow.

And you are all in this with me. Whether you like it or not.

Rules for Using Fruit

There's a LOT to cover with this rule. So let's get right to it.

RULE #8 : FRUIT - Select one Vitamin C fruit - orange or grapefruit - each day. Otherwise, vary selections. Fruits may be eaten raw or cooked. One-half cup equals 1 fruit, except where otherwise marked. 

No bananas, cherries, dried fruits, grapes or watermelon. 

Women: 3 fruits daily. 

Men: 5 fruits daily.

Keep in mind--this rule comes directly from the ORIGINAL Weight Watchers cookbook, 1966. The fruit rule was later revised to allow ONE serving of banana, cherry or grape per week. So calm down, banana lovers.

The fruit recipes provided in the Original WW Cookbook include a TON of gelatin molds. They also often involve strange combinations with other foods like celery, pimentos, onions, green peppers, and the list goes on. Cottage cheese makes many appearances, too.

And I never in my life realized there were so many different ways to prepare a grapefruit!

But...One fruit recipe in particular caught my attention. Mainly because it had "cheese balls" in the title. Anytime you mention cheese balls, I am SOLD. So here we go...

I have to admit, I am not a fan of mixing sweet and savory flavors together in my salads. Call me a prude, but I think it goes against the rules of salad making. A salad should either be ALL fruit or ALL vegetables, in my opinion. Once you start putting apples in your garden salad, things get crazy! The next thing you know there are pecans in there. And raisins. And OH my GAWD, the humanity!

Anyway -- this Retro WW Salad goes against all of my OCD salad rules. But here it is. Apples and celery and pimentos and all. God help me.

 What's your take on fruit salads? 

Toasting the New Year

Happy New Year! Lordy, I have so many resolutions for 2014, but for now I just need to get through these last few gosh-danged Retro WW RULES. So here we go...

RULE #7: Limited Vegetables - Select any one of the following vegetables and use at dinner only. Only one serving, or 1/2 cup, permitted. Vary your selections from day to day.

artichokes 

bamboo shoots

beets

brussels sprouts

carrots

eggplant

okra

onion

oyster plant (WTF?)

parsnips

peas

pumpkin

scallions

squash

tomato

*tomato juice

turnips

* Tomato juice may be taken at any time. Limited to 12 oz daily.

So there you have it. The vegetables with which we must be ever so vigilant. God forbid you eat an extra beet or something.

Since I eat enough carrots to choke a rabbit, I could never follow this rule. But in the spirit of celebrating the New Year, I decided to find a nice healthy vegetable juice "cocktail" recipe to help me toast 2014. Which, by the way happens to be the year I plan to complete this insane experiment. What does that mean? I don't know. But this has to end somehow. Right?

Anyhoo--I boiled it down to a choice between 2 recipes: "Cucumber & Tomato Cocktail" and "Carrot Milk". After a very deep conversation with myself about how I might feel after drinking warm, cooked carrots blended with skim milk - I opted for the "Cucumber Tomato Cocktail"

It was a good choice! Just pop a few ice cubes in a blender with some dill, 3/4 cup tomato juice and 6 slices of cucumber, and you've got yourself a very refreshing glass of Retro WW deliciousness! CHEERS!

I hope the New Year brings lots of good health and happiness to all of my fabulous readers! I love you all! I would also like to dedicate this post to a very terrific lady who was recently taken from our world too soon. Heidi from "kitschenfeast" was one of the first people who inspired me to start blogging, and although we never met in person, I feel like we became friends through this crazy world of writing and retro cooking. I will miss her "voice" every day.

Here's a truly awesome guest post Heidi wrote for the Retro WW Experiment a few years ago. Rest in Peace, my friend.

Christmas Wishes

Merry Christmas to all my Retro Weight Watchers friends! I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday filled with everything you love!

As for me, I am very busy preparing for a festive week with my family and friends! But I wanted to take a break to send you a holiday greeting and a very helpful Retro WW hint...straight from Jean Nidetch herself!

For us guys and gals who worry about those pesky "food pushers" at our holiday gatherings, here's a diagram from the 1964 Weight Watchers Program Cookbook showing us exactly how to respond...

Crazy? Or genius? You decide.

Reminder! Celery is an unlimited vegetable! Alcohol is strictly prohibited! So enjoy your sad crudité with a lame-ass sparkling water and have a BLAST!

Merry Christmas to you and yours, from me and mine...

Yeah I take my puppy to visit Santa. What of it?

I promise to post more in 2014. It's my New Year's Resolution! See ya next year!