Frankenpie

There is a lot of scary shit going on this week. A hurricane mega-storm is whipping our way. There is a cut-throat presidential election turning us all into frothing maniacs. It is also the creepy Halloween season.

And I made this:

The Pie of the Dead

That's right. I may have actually conjured up the most disgusting thing ever created in any kitchen since the beginning of food and time. My husband took one look at it, and declared it "The Necronomicon of Pies" and begged me to throw it away. I have been lovingly referring to it as simply, "Frankenpie". Jean Nidetch officially calls it...

Fluffy Chocolate "Pie"

Grand Illusions

1 envelope unflavored gelatin

1 1/2 cups chocolate flavored dietetic carbonated beverage

artificial sweetener

1/2 teaspoon chocolate extract

1/4 teaspoon imitation butter

dash salt

few drops brown food coloring

Dissolve gelatin over beverage in saucepan over medium heat. Add remaining ingredients. Chill until slightly set. Whip with rotary beater until thick. Transfer to 9 inch pie plate. Chill until firm. Makes 2 servings.

First of all - how funny is it that Jean Nidetch actually printed the words "Grand Illusions" under the title of this recipe in the 1972 Weight Watchers Program Cookbook? Like this recipe would actually fool anyone into thinking they are eating a real piece of pie.

A Slice of Hell

 If I served this to any normal person, they would look at me like I had totally lost my mind. They might even call the local authorities to have me committed. And they sure as shit would never eat it. Grand illusions? Um. No.


Also - There are two problems with this recipe.

1 - It is not easy to find dietetic chocolate flavored carbonated beverage in the year 2012.

2 - It is not easy to find chocolate extract in the year 2012.

So I decided to go with diet cream soda and vanilla extract. I wound up with a vanilla flavored Fluffy Brown "Pie" which actually turned out to be a sort of a khaki-grey color. And it really wasn't fluffy at all. And it was frankly upsetting to even have it in my fridge.

What a freaking nightmare.

It didn't taste too bad, but honestly I couldn't get past the horribly freakish color and the truly pitiful state of this dish. To call this a pie is really just a tragedy. I know I have made a lot of crazy-ass excuses for food on this blog, but this is where I have to draw the line.

Some things are just plain wrong.

source: arcaneimages

Have a creepy Halloween! Hope your treats are yummy!

PINK THING

A few weeks ago (or maybe months - I lose track sometimes), I won a very special prize. The Caker Cooking Blog held a giveaway, and the grand prize was a signed copy of Caker Brian's best-selling book, Natural Order, as well as a Caker Recipe hand-picked by the author himself.

Here is a reenactment of my reaction when I found out I had won:

source: Reminisce Magazine

First, let me say that Brian's book is beautiful. It is touching and funny and real. Everyone should read it. No really. Go get it NOW.

The recipe that Brian picked for me, however, is another story altogether.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  The recipe I am talking about is the always ubiquitous PINK THING.

When I announced to the Twitter Universe that I would be making the Pink Thing, I received many responses. Some where intrigued. (What is it??)  Some where amused. (It sounds dirty!) Some even had their own versions (Pink Fluff, Pink Sh*t, etc.), but most just wanted to know why. God WHY?!?

Now, when I saw this recipe, I had two immediate thoughts.

1. I would have to lighten it up. You know - Do it up WW Style.
2. I would have to invite some friends over to share my Pink Thing. Because this recipe makes a crapload.

Typically, my Retro WW recipes only make one or two servings. So I was surprised to see this recipe served eight! I had no other choice than to call up some friends and tell them to head over to my place for a Pink Thing party!

I even selected a beverage to go along with the Pink Thing.

Voodoo Doughnut Bacon Maple Ale FTW!

Luckily I remembered to prepare my Pink Thing the night before, because it really thickened up and took on a nice pink hue just in time for the party. When I pulled it out of the fridge, and popped off the lid, we all just sort of stood around it in a circle and stared for a moment. No one said a word.

Until one brave friend broke the silence.

"It's really... Um... Glossy."

Then I served it up. As you can see, I was really excited.

My husband and his friend gobbled up the Lion's Share of the Pink Thing. They really, really liked it. Of course, they had just done a Jager Bomb - so maybe that could've had something to do with it?

I should note that the Pink Thing came from the London Newcomer's Cookbook, 1983. Of course, I totally Weight Watchered it up by using all low-fat ingredients. I also left out the chopped pecans, because - frankly I forgot. 

So let us review. In summary: Jager Bombs, Bacon Beer, and Pink Thing.

Did we enjoy our evening? What do you think?

Happy Birthday Jean Nidetch!

Jean is out there. Somewhere.

And today is her birthday.

This makes me smile.

In 1970, Jean made the following statement on page 30 of her book "The Story of Weight Watchers":

You know something? Your own birthday cake is not fattening. You can hold it close to you, you can smell it, you can serve it. It's not fattening. It's only fattening when it gets into your stomach. It gets into your stomach via the weapon that's attached to your wrist. You're in control of the weapon, so blow out the candles, serve the cake to your guests and then have a half a grapefruit. Your stomach doesn't know it's your birthday. 

Can't argue with that, I guess.

So today I celebrate Jean's birthday in the best way I know how - with a great big pink grapefruit and a glass of champagne.

Here's  to you, Jean. May you enjoy many, many more birthday grapefruits.

True Cookie Confessions

Here's another Retro Weight Watchers recipe that sounds awful on paper, but actually turns out to be shockingly edible and (dare I say) even a bit tasty in reality.

Chocolate Cookies

(1978)

1/3 cup dry milk

1 oz quick oatmeal

1 to 3 tsp cocoa

1 tsp vanilla extract

water to moisten

Combine all ingredients. Mix thoroughly. Drop by spoonfuls onto a non-stick cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 6-8 minutes. Makes one serving for the morning meal.

I should stop here to mention that Jean Nidetch, the founder of Weight Watchers, loves cookies. She calls them her "Frankenstein Food". She is also a self-proclaimed "closet cookie-eater". In fact, legend has it that at the very first Weight Watchers meeting ever, Jean confessed to her fellow overweight friends that she used to hide cookies in her laundry hamper and then secretly binge-eat them in the bathroom after her family went to sleep.

I guess this would explain why there are so many "legal" cookie recipes in the Retro WW cookbooks and magazines. 

Yes. I took a bite outta one. I couldn't wait.

You guys. These cookies are good. And the best part is that the whole recipe is one serving! I made four little cookies and had them all to myself with a big ol' cup of coffee.

But next time, I am totally making one giant cookie. Just because I can.

The Art of Beets

First off - let me just start this post with a confession. When I found this recipe in my 1978 Weight Watchers Hot Stuff (Volume 4) Pamphlet, I knew I had to make it. But I fully had absolutely no intention of eating it. Ever.

Truth be told: On certain rare occasions, I will make a gelatin mold solely for its artistic value. Or for the simple pleasure of basking in its jiggly, glistening beauty.

Wow! It actually feels great to get that off my chest.

So when I woke up at 5:30am on a Saturday morning and began boiling eggs, dissolving gelatin and opening cans of beets - I felt a little bit like an artist preparing her canvas.

Beet Salad

1 tsp mayonnaise

1 medium egg, hard boiled

1/3 cup cottage cheese

Lettuce

1/4 cup cold water

3/4 cup boiling water

1 tbsp vinegar

1 tbsp unflavored gelatin

1 tsp cherry extract

1/4 tsp salt

3 tsp artificial sweetener

4 drops red food coloring

1/4 tsp ground cloves

4 oz shoestring beets, drain and reserve liquid

Dissolve gelatin in water, add extract, vinegar, salt, sweetener and food color. Stir in cloves and beet juice. Pour into mold. Let set until mixture thickens. Stir in the beets, Place lettuce leaves on a plate and unmold the salad on them. Top with the cottage cheese, egg wedges and mayonnaise. Chill. Makes one serving.

Now I don't like to brag, but I have some pretty mad molding skills, people. I know just when to add the beets so they'll be suspended perfectly in the gelatin like tiny pink angels.  I know exactly how long to wait for the best mold consistency. I know the perfect ratio of liquid to gelatin for any mold size you can imagine.

And the un-molding? Forget about it. This one popped right out of that mold like a perfect little pink newborn baby. It looked up at me from the plate, did a little dance and said "Howdy Mimi - how ya like me now?"

So how did the finished assembled product turn out, you ask? See for yourself...

Please. Bask in its beauty from all angles.

Extreme close-up. Have a moment with the beets.

Go ahead. Take it all in.

After a few snaps with the camera - my masterpiece is complete. I like to keep it around for a few hours to horrify and disgust my husband before saying goodbye to it forever.

As Andy Warhol once said, "An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have." Well. I guess that makes me a true artist. Because, trust me - NO ONE needs to have this thing. Ever.

We'll Be Right Back

I'll be away from Blogland, Facebook, and the Twitterverse for a few days to take a much needed vacation.

But don't worry. When I return - you guys are in store for some good times.

October will bring many new adventures for The Retro WW Experiment. Including a Beet Mold, a "Pink Thing" and a Sauerkraut Cookie. Just to name a few.

But for now I am headed to the beach, my friends! My pink caftan is neatly packed in my beach bag and my petal swim cap is ready to go. You gotta cover up those bleach blonde tresses - am I right, ladies? I really can't wait to enjoy some legal beverages by the pool, and work on my tan.

In the meantime - please watch this message from our "sponsor". Guess who?

The Church Lady Smackdown

I love casseroles. Luuuurve them.

So when I was invited to participate in a full-on balls-to-the-walls Casserole Cook-Off using old "Church Lady" recipes, I jumped at the chance. And even though it might compromise my Retro Weight Watchers code of ethics, I figured - why not? What could possibly go wrong??

Then I got my assignment. (Courtesy of my pal, Yinzerella)

Ruth Silverstone Will Casserole Your Ass Off!

Recipes and Napkin Folding from the JCC of Harrison County

Aside from the fish (which we must eat 5 times per week on the Retro WW Program) and the broccoli (which is my favorite "legal" vegetable) - the rest of the dish is a multi-layered pile of gooey dietetic wrongness.

But -- Since the Casserole Cook-Off rules demand that substitutions are not allowed, I wasn't able to lighten this dish up for my dietetic needs. In true Retro WW fashion, I would normally replace the celery soup with a gelatin/buttermilk combo and I would swap the margarine with a butter flavored extract. And for the love of Jean Nidetch -- poach the fish in WINE?!? Dear lord - alcohol is at the top of the list of forbidden foods. We do our poaching in plain old water, people. I could go on, but you get the idea.

So after making an official public apology to my entire Retro WW Sisterhood, I present you (layer by layer) with...

Anything Anytime Casserole!

Butter and Broccoli and Noodles - Oh My!

Water Chestnuts. Unexpected, but totally made the dish.

Poached Fish? Nailed it.

Celery soup, mushroom and seasonings. The Great Gooey Goodness!

Top with cheese and pop in the oven!

This casserole had 7 layers, and required me to dirty 6 dishes. Seriously? I almost ran out of Palmolive half way through my clean-up.

And what about the name of the recipe? Anything? Anytime? Wow! Do you mean I can whip this up at 3:00am? Can this dish possibly be more versatile?

But how did it taste?

It. Was. Delicious.

As I wipe the drool from my chin, I would just like to say thank you Ruth Silverstone. You are the creator of this casserole. You are the mastermind behind this delicious combination. You deserve a spot in the comfort food Hall of Fame! I am sure the rest of the ladies in the Jewish Community Center of Harrison would agree. Mazel Tov!

So just how am I supposed to go back to my Retro WW eating after this? Hmmm?

I mean, really.

Wanna check out the other Casserole Challenge posts? Including the Potato Casserole which I threw in the mix - courtesy of the Polish Hill Civic Association of Pittsburgh? Go ahead. Tap into your inner Church Lady! Here are the links...

Caker Cooking - Polish Potato Casserole

Dinner is Served 1972 - Cock-a-Doodle Casserole

Mid Century Menu - Sausage Apple Noodle Casserole

Retro Recipe Attempts - Lazy Bride's Dish